What I learned about parenting by being a parent – the good, the bad and the ugly
(Chapter 2 – The Plan)

So, baby was sleeping soundly in my arms. She was just a little helpless thing that constantly did nothing but feed, sleep and poop. I was partly responsible for bringing her into this world so I was fully determined to steer her right. Where to start? My parents got parts of it right; other parts they messed up a bit. My friends with kids all seemed to have their opinions about what were best for babies and children. So, where to go from here?

I figured the best guide to raise a child is to decide how you want the child to end up as an adult. Begin with the end goals in mind and then find the steps to get there. First and foremost, start with sound character. A person with poor character, no matter how rich or good-looking or powerful is not worth much. That person will never be fully actualized, if I could borrow from one of Abraham Maslow’s terms. In my definition, good characters are as follows: honesty; kindness; helpfulness; empathy; diligence; trustworthiness; respect; caring for others; selflessness; socially conscious; sense of family; achievement-orientation; confidence; hygienic approach; good listening skills; a good sense of right and wrong; and the list goes on. How do I teach these? Fortunately, time is on my side to formulate the plan to achieve this goal.

Next, I decided not to use any baby-talk such as “choo-choo train” or “din-din” or “bum-bum”. These were words I often hear parents using with their kids in the malls. It must be very confusing for children to hear their adults speaking in one language with one another and then a different one with them. I will speak with my daughter using real words, big words and useful words as if she is highly intelligent. In fact, one of the first few words she learned was “antibiotic”, as I was then a pharmaceuticals sales rep. While other children were happy just to say “germs”, my daughter at three learned to say and understood “bacteria”, “viruses”. She would later learn other words like “bronchitis”, “pneumonia” and “otitis media”.

It is highly important for children to be able to express their feelings. My wife was the one who actually thought of this one. I went along as I thought it was a brilliant piece of parenting. We were going to ask the right questions and listen to our children. We will never brush aside their expressions, and will always talk through their expressions of feelings. By doing this, the goal is to help them understand the different types of feelings possible within. Our children will understand emotions from anger, frustrations, embarrassment, shock, envy, greed, happiness, sadness, and so on. They will also be taught to identify and understand the emotions of others. This way, they can learn about empathy.

There will be no physical punishment, ever. I grew up with physical punishments and must admit that it took me years to forget that kind of discipline. I was determined not to use any form of physical punishments. Instead, reasoning will be used early in my children’s life so that they learn to do so. If they throw a tantrum, it will be explained to them how they come across, the consequences, if adults engage in the same behavior. There will also not be any mental hijacking. I have also seen other parents withdrew love if their little ones did not behave. (I learn a lot about parenting just watching other parents in malls.) I believe this only create insecure adults. Whatever happened, there will not be any physical or mental punishments.

Why, what, when how and who will be clarified as much and as soon as possible. Why is eating broccoli important? Why is hand washing important? When is a good time to sleep and why? What would you do if a strange lady come up to you and offered you an apple? What happens after you swallow the meat and vegetables? I was determined to ensure my children understand their environment and the reasons why things were done. If they had doubts or questions, ask, ask and ask some more.

Will my children be athletic? Musically talented? Academically inclined? Creative? Above or below average intelligence? What will they like? People do well in what they are most interested in and what they have the most talent for. Allowing children to explore various options from a young age enable them to discover their own interests and talents. I would be watchful and mindful so I can help guide them. Once they are older, perhaps psychological testing with Myers-Briggs could help them gather more insights. I was determined not to pigeon-hole them into activities I thought that “were best for them”. They will explore a broad range of options with my guidance to help them understand their nature. Then I will provide the nurture part of their development equation.

I also had to think about the rapport I was going to have with my daughter, my children. Would I be a best friend? What roles should I play to be the best resource for my daughter? I decided that being a parent would involve being an information provider, coach, educator, disciplinarian, judge, friend, clown, motivator, and most of all, confidant. No one could be a good parent if there was no trust between parent and child. Two-way respect is of utmost importance too. Again, I have seen parents in mall shouting at little Johnny, “Stop that!” without a word of explanation why little Johnny had to stop. No respect for little Johnny. How would little Johnny learn about respect when he got none?

I had to be a good role model. If I was not honest, how can I teach about honesty? If I were not hard working, how can I teach hard work? I will ensure that my daughter grew up with a reality of the real world. There are bad people out there and they do not always look like bad people. We should always try hard, but we may fail sometimes. However, failure is only a reason for us to try harder and differently.

So, my master parenting plan comprise of character building, reality checks, options to try various activities for mental and physical stimulations, learning confidence, learning basic skills and learning empathy, respect and trust. It sounded like a great plan and one that would be quite beneficial.

Then as I looked at the little baby in my arm, I realized that planning was the easy part. Anyone can have a plan. How will baby respond to me when she is older? Will toddler listen? Will teenager listen? What kind of personality will baby grow up to have? What is this “terrible two’s” I hear other parents talk about? How will I implement my master plan? Will the plan be a correct guide? Is creating a plan for child-rearing crazy? After all, my parents did not have a plan and I seemed to grow up ok? (But then, would I have been more than okay if my parents had a plan?) Wow, the only certainty is that the road ahead for parenting is stock full of uncertainties.When I looked at baby and inhale her intoxicating baby breath softly on my face, the only thing that came to mind was: I will do all I can to help you to grow up to become an adult who is happy, healthy, wise so that wealth also finds you.