Writing
Little Happy Claire Revision #3
By Kwene
Children's Book-Picture(4-8)
Revised: 11-Apr-2011
Added: 06-Apr-2011
Canada
Average rating: Not Rated
2 comments
Little Ms Muffett spider
Never liked how Little Ms Muffet just ran away. The pesky spider here represents a bully. Little Claire did something about it. Anyway, I know it's not that good, but it's all for the joy of writing...and the agony of anonymous critics. I know this is bad...but let me know how to make it better. Thanks.
Chapter
1
Little happy Claire
Sat on her little chair
Eating her granola bar
Along came a spider
And sate down beside her
And frightened Claire away
Later that day…
Little happy Claire
Went to fetch her bucket
She’s going to the beach to play
Out jumped the spiderWaved his hairy legs at her
And frightened Claire away
A few steps away…
Little angry Claire
Took a look back
At the laughing spider
And said…
That’s it! I’ve had enough!
Something has to be done
So the very next day…
Little brave Claire
Sat on her little chair
Eating her granola bar
Down came the spider
And sat down beside her
Waved his hairy legs at her
Claire caught him in a jar
Later that day…
Little happy Claire
Went to fetch her bucket
She’s going to the beach to play
There were no spiders
Nothing that could frighten her
So she had a really nice day
When Claire got home…
Spider in the jar looked sad
“I’ve learned my lesson well today
Let me go now and I’ll be nice alwaysâ€
Little kind Claire
Let the spider out
And he was indeed nice always
And as all children’s stories go
They live happily ever after
2
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Emadev
April 7, 2011 at 10:53 PM PDT
Nice to have a new spin to "Little Miss Muffet" nursery rhyme. Like this one, except yeah...the granola bar thingy...I agree with Orangirl. How about have Claire eat "sweet or big or small eclair". I thought the in-between lines are ok. When reading out loud to a kid, the reader can just change his/her tone when reading the in-between lines .
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orangirl
April 7, 2011 at 2:26 PM PDT
Dear Kwene,
This is a very nice idea—treating the spider as a bully. If your story is going to work in rhyme, though, then both the rhyme and the rhythm need to be consistent. If you read it aloud you’ll soon see where the problems lie, but just as one example: in your third line, “granola bar†has 4 syllables. To make the third-line rhythm consistent with the first two lines, you will need a food that has only 3 syllables. Also, your third verse, “Little angry Claire, took a look back, ...†at present isn’t in rhyme. And last, I think that the in-between lines like “later that day†are interrupting the flow of the rhymed verses and don’t really need to be there. If your story is illustrated, the illustrations could make some of the time changes clear. Nice idea—keep working on it and good luck!