SCENE 3(a): “It’s All Relative”
( CAST- minus James)

(The campsite is in a maelstrom of chaos. CORINNE is running around, frazzled, holding an armful of lifejackets. AUNT WANDA is putting sunscreen on everyone, the purple kind that you have to rub in quick or else your face turns purple. UNCLE RAY and GRANDPA are looking over fishing equipment. GREAT AUNT MILLIE is sitting in her chair with a lifejacket and water-wings. COUSIN LEROY is hanging around conspicuously, trying to act casual and fit in. DATA is texting. KARMA is doing a water ritual. QUINTUS is watching KARMA admiringly. DENNIS is running around waving BUDDHA, the stuffed owl, and BEAN is chasing him trying to get it back. LESLIE is trying to put a lifejacket over ETHAN’S sling.)

CORINNE
Data, put your phone away. Here’s a lifejacket. Are you
wearing sunscreen? Don’t forget bug spray.

DATA
I’m sorry, I forgot my snorkel.


UNCLE RAY
(holding fishing rod upside down)
And you’re telling me you can catch fish with these thingers?

ETHAN
Ow! Ow! Ow, that hurts!

LESLIE
I’m sorry, am I hurting you, honey?

CORINNE
And a life jacket for you, Quintus.

QUINTUS
On such a full sea, we are now afloat. And we must take
the current when it serves, or lose our ventures.

BEAN
Dennis, give me Buddha!
(DENNIS holds BEAN’S head, BEAN struggles and flails arms)

DENNIS
Come on, come and get it!

GRANDPA
(demonstrating with fishing rod)
See, Ray, yeh gotta swish, and flick!

GREAT AUNT MILLIE
Back in my day, we caught our fish by hand!

CORINNE
Karma, put your lifejacket on.

KARMA
Aah, Mom! You messed me up! I have to start again!

AUNT WANDA
Bean, come here! You need sunscreen! We’ve got to protect your little rosy cheeks!

BEAN
Mom, Dennis won’t give me back Buddha!

AUNT WANDA
Hold still, Bean!

(AUNT WANDA manages to put a stripe of purple sunscreen on each cheek, like warpaint, then BEAN runs away. Meanwhile, DENNIS hides BUDDHA in GREAT AUNT MILLIE’S tent)

QUINTUS
Psst, look! He’s here! (nudges KARMA, points at COUSIN LEROY)

KARMA
Who, who’s here?
QUINTUS
Our “visitor.”

CORINNE
And a lifejacket for you, Quintus, and a lifejacket for—
(is about to hand a lifejacket to COUSIN LEROY) Wait, who are you?

(ALL stop and look)
COUSIN LEROY
Erm. I… uh, I’m… Cousin Leroy?

UNCLE RAY
Cousin Leroy?

COUSIN LEROY
Uh-huh.

DATA
And, how are you related?

COUSIN LEROY
Oh, I’m Great Aunt Mildred’s… late husband’s, nephew’s brother’s
cousin-in-law. Twice removed.

(silence)
CORINNE
Well! Welcome to the Miller family, Cousin Leroy!
You’re just in time to go fishing.

GRANDPA
Off to the lake we go! Hop, two, three, four! Pick up the
pace, Ethan! And, uh, Cousin Leroy, I’ve got one word for yeh: Enthusiasm!

(BLACKOUT. END SCENE 3a)
______________________________________________________________________________

SCENE 3(b): “ Overboard”
( CAST – minus James)
(BEAN is sitting at the head of the raft, DENNIS beside him, occasionally rocking the raft dangerously. DATA is behind him on the floor of the raft. LESLIE and ETHAN are together on the middle seat. KARMA is behind them on the floor. QUINTUS is sitting at the stern.)

ETHAN
(looking at lifejacket)
This thing is so tacky.

QUINTUS
It goes great with your polo shirt.

KARMA
Dennis, don’t rock the boat!



QUINTUS
(starts singing quietly)
♫♪ Don’t rock the boat, don’t rock the boat baby, rock the boat, don’t tip the boat over… ♫♪

DATA
Seriously, Quintus.

LESLIE
Isn’t this nice, Ethan? I just love getting in touch with nature!

ETHAN
I never knew you were such a nature-lover. Just like
I didn’t know you were a vegetarian!

LESLIE
What? Of course you knew that. We’ve been through this a million times.

ETHAN
I don’t think so. I’ve seen you eat my Duck a l’Orange a million times!

LESLIE
I’ve told you, honey, I can’t eat that!

ETHAN
You never told me!

LESLIE
Yes, I did!

DATA
So, Ethan, what do you do?

ETHAN
I am the President and Co-Owner of the Country Club and Golf Course.

(ETHAN gives DATA business card. DATA throws it overboard).

DATA
Really? That’s interesting. Leslie hates golf.

LESLIE
No, I don’t!

ETHAN
What?

BEAN
Yeah, didn’t you say golfing was for cranky
old men with a stick up their aaAAAHH!

KARMA
Dennis, stop rocking the boat!


ETHAN
Cranky old men, hey?

LESLIE
I never said that. And, if I did, it was before I met you!

QUINTUS
But, Leslie, aren’t you always telling us that you don’t
have to change to be happy in your marriage?

LESLIE
And it’s true! (pulls out wedding catalogue, change of topic)
Ethan, look at these bridesmaid dresses I found!

KARMA
Did you know that the spouse who goes to sleep first, dies first?

LESLIE
(gasps, mortified)
Really?

ETHAN
That’s a bunch of nonsense.

DATA
What, you can’t stay up past your bedtime?

ETHAN
I don’t like you.

DATA
Likewise, champ.

DENNIS
Bean, there’s a magic rainbow fish in the water!

BEAN
Ooh, where? Where?

DENNIS
Right there. Just lean over and catch it! It’ll give you good luck!

KARMA
There is no proof for that!

DATA
Says you.

QUINTUS
I believe you, Karma.

LESLIE
(as BEAN leans out of boat)
Bean, be careful. Careful, Bean. Bean, Bean, careful. Bean, BEAN!!
BEAN
Aaahhh!!
(splash)

KARMA
Dennis, I told you to stop rocking the boat! That’s karma!

LESLIE
Stop talking and get him out of the water, before Mom sees! Ethan, pull him up!

ETHAN
My hand is in a sling!

BEAN
Help! Help!

AUNT WANDA
(from back of the audience, holding binoculars)
Bean, where’s Bean? Leslie, where’s Bean?

LESLIE
(stands up)
Mom, it’s okay! Everything is fine, just fine!

DATA
Bean’s drowning!

AUNT WANDA
Whaaat??!

ETHAN
(stands up)
It’s alright, Wanda! I’ve got it under control!
Bean’s just going for a bit of a- aah- AAH!

(DENNIS rocks the raft)
(splash)
DATA
Good job, kiddo.

LESLIE
Oh my God! He can’t swim, he’s only got one arm!

QUINTUS
I wonder if he thinks that lifejacket is so tacky now.

ETHAN
Help, help, it’s cold! Out of my way, Bean!
(pushes BEAN aside)

KARMA
Everything comes in threes, people. Nobody fall out! Especially you,
Quintus. If you fall off the stern of a boat, you’ll have three years of bad luck.

QUINTUS
Why, Karma. I never knew you cared.

KARMA
I don’t.

DATA
Me neither.

QUINTUS
You’re my sister!

DENNIS
How’s the water, Bean?

AUNT WANDA
Bean, don’t worry! I’m calling the Coast Guard!

DATA
Mom, there is no Coast Guard! We’re on a lake!

LESLIE
(huge gasp)

KARMA
Leslie, what’s wrong?

LESLIE
Ethan! Got water! On my catalogue!

ETHAN
It’s just a cheap wedding magazine! Get me out of here!

LESLIE
How dare you? This is my life! Doesn’t this mean anything to you?

DATA
Bean, give me your hand!

ETHAN
Help me out, Leslie!

LESLIE
I can’t believe you! One minute you’re booking a
catering company, and next thing you know--

ETHAN
I’m freezing here!

LESLIE
The next thing you know, you’re saying this doesn’t mean anything to you!

ETHAN
I didn’t say that!
LESLIE
This wedding is the most important thing of my life! I know we
don’t have the money right now, but I will have my fairy tale
wedding! I don’t care what it takes, Ethan! My wedding is
going to be perfect! And nothing you say is going to stop mee-EEEH!

(splash)
KARMA
Now that’s karma!

(BLACKOUT. END SCENE 3b)