Cast
“Corinne Miller” – Mother and wife going through an ugly divorce. Organizer of the family.
“Grandpa Clyde Miller” – Survival buff and head of the family.
“Aunt Wanda” – Happy mom of four kids. Married to & completely in love with husband, Ray.
“Uncle Ray” – Wanda’s husband. Reservations about daughter’s fiancé, Ethan.
“Great Aunt Millie” – Senile old woman, suspiciously rich and has ‘selective hearing’.
“James Hopkins” – Corrine’s ex-husband. Living a double life with two families for past 4 years
“Cousin Leroy” – Random stranger claiming relation to the family.
“Karma Miller” – Corinne & James’ teenaged daughter. Highly superstitious.
“Dennis Hopkins” – Corinne & James’ youngest. Practical joker and hooligan.
“Leslie Russell” – Eldest of Wanda & Ray. Obsessed with her upcoming wedding to Ethan.
“Ethan Stratford” – Leslie’s fiancé. Snobbish, egotistical country club owner.
“Data (Dana) Russell” – Leslie’s younger sister. Tech savvy and sarcastic.
“Quintus Russell” – Wanda & Ray’s middle child. Shakespeare addiction. Melodramatic.
“Bean Russell” – Youngest of the Thompson’s. Innocent. Idolized older cousin Dennis.


SCENE ONE: “One Big Happy…”
(GRANDPA / GREAT AUNT MILLIE/ UNCLE RAY/ AUNT WANDA/ CORINNE/ KARMA/ DENNIS/ BEAN/ DATA/ QUINTUS/ LESLIE/ ETHAN)

(Tents are laid out, ready to be set up. DATA sitting in camping chair, typing on laptop. KARMA struggling to set up tent by herself. AUNT WANDA helping GREAT AUNT MILLIE into a chair. UNCLE RAY is listening to GRANDPA ramble about fishing gadgets. QUINTUS is reading Shakespeare, glancing at Karma often. BEAN and DENNIS are crawling and sneaking through the audience)

DATA
(typing) Day One, Hour One of the worst week of my life. Dear Diary. I am
camping. With my family. In the middle of the forest. I hate camping.
I hate my family. I hate trees. I hate my life.

(ENTER CORINNE through audience)

CORINNE
Excuse me, hi, uh… I’m looking for a small boy, with a propeller hat, about this
tall. Um, he’s in the company of another little boy. Their names are
Dennis and, uh… Bean. Have you seen them? (calling)Bean? Dennis? Honey? Boys?

KARMA
(coming through audience) Mom, what are you doing? We’re all waiting for you. Grandpa Clyde won’t start setting up tents without you. He says it’s a “Bonding Experience.”

CORINNE
Oh, Karma, don’t tell Aunt Wanda, honey, but… I lost Bean.

KARMA
You lost Bean?!

CORINNE
Shh! He’s not lost, he is temporarily misplaced!

(CORINNE and KARMA randomly search under tables throughout dialogue)

KARMA
Mom, you know how protective Aunt Wanda is of all her kids. I mean,
have you seen how she’s going on about Leslie’s wedding?
I swear that thing’s going to bankrupt them…

CORINNE
Alright, honey, stop gossiping and help me look for your brother and your cousin.

KARMA
(gasps) Oh no, Mom! Your left eye is twitching! That’s a death omen!

CORINNE
Oh, about that. I’ve been meaning to tell you, I don’t want you scaring your
relatives with your superstitions. Just try to tone it down this week, okay honey?

KARMA
But Mom…
CORINNE
Karma, listen to me. All that walking under ladders, brown cat business—

KARMA
Black cats, Mom, black cats!

CORINNE
Just do me a favour and help me make this a happy family reunion.
I don’t want them trying to kill each other.

KARMA
Don’t say that, it’s bad luck!

CORINNE
Karma, stop it! Where is Bean?

BEAN
(popping up from under a table)
SURPRISE!

DENNIS
(crawls out from under table)
Oh, man! Bean, what’d you do that for? In another hour they would all be
looking for us! I wanted to see a Search and Rescue Helicopter!

CORINNE
Dennis, I told you to stay at the campsite. I don’t want you
wandering off in the middle of no where.

GRANDPA
Hey, Corinne sweetie! You guys comin’ or what?

CORINNE
Just a minute, Dad.

GRANDPA
We’re wastin’ daylight here! Come on!

DENNIS
Bet you can’t beat me back to the campsite, Bean!
(takes off)

BEAN
Not fair, wait up!

(CORINNE and KARMA return to campsite. BEAN runs up to DATA, gives her a big hug)

BEAN
Love you, Data! You’re my favourite sister!

DATA
Bean, don’t touch me! And stay away from my laptop!
You’ll get boogers on it. (puts away laptop)

AUNT WANDA
Data, be nice to Bean.

BEAN
Yeah, be nice to me!

DATA
Mom! How many times do I have to tell you? My name is Dana,
not Data! Say it with me: Da-na. Let me hear you say it, Da-na.

BEAN
Da-TA!

AUNT WANDA
Oh, my little Jellybean, you’re so cute! (pinches his cheek)

QUINTUS
What’s in a name? That, which we call a rose,
would by any other name smell just as sweet.

DATA
You and I are not related.

AUNT WANDA
Data, be nice to Quintus. You two should go say
hello to your Great Aunt Millie. Karma, you too.

KARMA
Aunt Wanda, she’s senile. She doesn’t even know who we are.

UNCLE RAY
Now, Karma, don’t say that. Maybe she hears more than
we think. (shouting) DON’T YOU, AUNT MILLIE?

GREAT AUNT MILLIE
That’s Great Aunt Mildred to you, you infernal young man!

DATA
I like her. (starts texting)

GRANDPA
Alright everyone! (claps hands) Attention, please! It is time to set up
base camp! Bean, Dennis, you’re on kiddie tent duty. Karma, Data,
Quintus, take that one. Wanda and Ray, take the middle tent.
Corinne, come help me with this one.

(KARMA and DATA roll their eyes and look disgusted with each other. QUINTUS gazes admiringly at KARMA. DENNIS and BEAN start sword fighting with tent poles. GREAT AUNT MILLIE sits in a chair, pointing her cane and giving directions. She is largely ignored.)

AUNT WANDA
(smiling at Ray)
Oh, darling, don’t you love teamwork? Just look at the
children working with their cousins. It’s inspiring!
UNCLE RAY
Well, you know, snookums, the only thing I like better
than teamwork, is teamwork with you! (start setting up tent)

GRANDPA
Corinne, I’m so glad you organized this camping trip. I think the fresh
air will do everyone some good. Things just haven’t
been the same since your mother died… (looks forlorn)

CORINNE
I know, dad, it’s tough. But I know how much you love camping…

GRANDPA
You bet your bippy I do! (instantly cheers up)

(ENTER LESLIE and ETHAN through audience. LESLIE is carrying a backpack. ETHAN is pulling a large rolling suitcase behind him. ETHAN stops and grabs LESLIE’S hands)

ETHAN
Leslie, sweetie, honey, darling. I have to be very honest with you.

LESLIE
That’s great, honey! All marriage experts say that honesty is
the foundation to a healthy, successful relationship.

ETHAN
I’m glad you feel that way. So, you won’t get mad?

LESLIE
You can tell me anything.

ETHAN
Well, LeeLee, I’m worried I won’t like your family.

LESLIE
Oh, of course they’ll like you— Wait, what did you say?

ETHAN
What if I don’t like them?

LESLIE
As my fiancé, shouldn’t you be more worried about them not liking you?

ETHAN
Like you said, of course they’ll like me. But, they don’t look
like my type. (peering over audience at campsite)

KARMA
Feng shui! Feng shui, everyone! These tents are not aligned
in the right direction! That’s bad luck!

QUINTUS
(talking to skull)
Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well.
BEAN
(talking to stuffed owl toy)
Look, Buddha! Cousin Karma is weird!

DENNIS
(steals Data’s cell phone, dancing around and waving it)
Haha, got your phone, got your phone!

DATA
Dennis, go crawl into a hole and DIE!

GREAT AUNT MILLIE
You little hooligans! I ought to whack you on the side
of the head! Back in my day, we used sticks and branches instead of tents!

GRANDPA
Isn’t this fun?

LESLIE
(watching from a distance)
Well, they are a little… excitable. My parents are normal…

UNCLE RAY
Wanda, look! It’s our dear little Leslie!

WANDA
And that must be Ethan! What a handsome young man.
Come introduce him to the family, Leslie!

DATA
Oh, joy, it’s the “Happy Couple.” (starts texting)

BEAN
It’s Leslie! She’s my favourite sister!

KARMA
Is that your sister’s fiancé?

DATA
(points at phone, makes I-Am-Busy face at KARMA)
Eh. (continues texting)

ETHAN
(groans) LeeLee, I’ll wait in the car—

LESLIE
(not hearing ETHAN)
Mom, Dad, I’ve missed you!

(still holding ETHAN’S hands, LESLIE runs over. He is dragged behind her, lugging his suitcase behind him. They reach the campsite, and LESLIE lets of ETHAN’S hand, leaving him standing awkwardly.)
UNCLE RAY
How’s my baby girl?
LESLIE
Dad, it’s so good to see you! (embrace)

AUNT WANDA
Leslie, you should see the magazines the wedding
planner sent me. Some of those dresses are to die for!

GRANDPA
Ahem ahem. And, who is this young man?

LESLIE
Grandpa, this is my fiancé, Ethan Stratford. Ethan, this is
my Grandpa Clyde, my parents, Wanda and Ray, my sister Data—

DATA
Da-na!

LESLIE
…My two brothers Quintus and Bean, my cousins Karma
and Dennis, and my Aunt Corinne, she’s the one who planned
this trip. And that little old lady in the chair, that’s Great Aunt Millie.

GREAT AUNT MILLIE
Mildred! Great Aunt Mildred!

ETHAN
I am very… pleased… to meet you all.
QUINTUS
He’s wearing a polo shirt.

DENNIS
(snickers) Marco!

BEAN
Polo! (starts running around Ethan)

CORINNE
Welcome to the Miller family, Ethan. I’m sure we’re all
going to be a big happy family by the end of this trip.

KARMA
Knock on wood!

GRANDPA
Speaking of woods, it’s time to learn about how to survive in the wilderness!

UNCLE RAY
Alright, Millers, gather round! (as an afterthought) And… Ethan.

DENNIS
Alright, Swiss army knives! (takes out his own)

BEAN
Okey dokey!
(BEAN reaches for DENNIS’ knife)

UNCLE RAY
Ah-ah-ah, Bean, not until you’re twelve.

GRANDPA
Take a seat, youngun’s, gather round the fire!

QUINTUS
‘Thou wouldst as soon go kindle fire with snowAs seek to quench the fire of love with words’.

KARMA
I lost you after the “fire” part of that.

CORINNE
Now, listen to Grandpa Clyde, kids.

GRANDPA
Listen up, everyone. Say hello… (whips out bear spray from his belt) to bear spray.

DATA
(answers cell phone)
Hello?

GRANDPA
That’s the spirit, Dana!

BEAN
What’s it do?

GRANDPA
It repels bears. I bestow upon you, the power, of the bear spray! (to DENNIS)

DENNIS
Sweet!

ETHAN
(aside, to LESLIE)
Should he have that?

AUNT WANDA
Oh, don’t worry, Ethan! Dennis is very responsible! He’s such a little angel.

(DATA gives WANDA “a look”)

GREAT AUNT MILLIE
Back in my day, we fought them bears with our bare hands! (fisticuffs)

GRANDPA
Behold! Bear bangers!

QUINTUS
Bear what?
KARMA
Bear bangers. But don’t ask me again. It’s bad luck to repeat things three times.

LESLIE
How does that work, Grandpa?

GRANDPA
Well, my dear, yeh just screw on the cartridge, like so,
and yeh pull the pin back, and KA-POW!

DATA
Wait, what was that?

GRANDPA
KA-POW!

DATA
Sorry, I missed that, do that again?

GRANDPA
KA-POW!

DATA
What was the sound it makes?

GREAT AUNT MILLIE
He said KA-POW!

CORINNE
That sounds a bit dangerous…

GRANDPA
Nope, no, not at all! A blindingly bright flare fires
out of it. Just be careful where you aim.

BEAN
Ooh, ooh, pick me!

UNCLE RAY
Ah-ah-ah! I’ll take care of these.

ETHAN
Do you have anything less… dramatic?

GRANDPA
Ah, yes, I thought you’d never ask! I give you, bells!

BEAN
Shiny!

AUNT WANDA
Very good, Bean! My little Lima Bean is so smart!


DATA
Gag me.

ETHAN
Perfect! That’s perfect! I’ll take them.

GRANDPA
Hold yer horses, sonny! I’ve got bells for everyone! Even you, Aunt Millie!

GREAT AUNT MILLIE
(wakes up from a momentary nap)
Mildred!

QUINTUS
Let’s mock the bell.

KARMA
No! That’s unlucky! Bells drive away demons.

DATA
And bears, apparently.

KARMA
(ignoring DATA)
You don’t want to mock the demons.

GRANDPA
I also got bear-proof coolers for the food.

CORINNE
Oh, Dad, you shouldn’t have.

AUNT WANDA
Yes, really. This camp is going to be simply un-BEAR-able by the time you’re finished!

UNCLE RAY
(laughs obnoxiously)
Oh, Wanda, dumpling, you’ll be the death of me! (pokes her on the nose)

DATA
L. O. L.

LESLIE
(laughing hard)
Mom, you are hilarious! Wasn’t that funny, Ethan?

ETHAN
(trying to laugh)
Heh, heh, yeah! Heheh.

DENNIS
(looking at bear spray)
How does this work?

ETHAN
(leaning over DENNIS’ shoulder)
Well, that’s easy! You just have to remove the safety clip.

DENNIS
Like this?
(sprays ETHAN in face)

ETHAN
AAHHHHH!!!!! My face! My eyes! Oh, my eyes! My throat, it’s down my throat! It burns!
LESLIE
Oh, honey, oh, oh no! I’m so sorry! The creek!
Run for the creek! (pushes him offstage)

(EXIT LESLIE and ETHAN)

ETHAN
(from offstage)
I will never see again!

GRANDPA
That’s funny. I thought I gave Dennis the water-filled canister.

UNCLE RAY
What a wimp.

AUNT WANDA
Oh, the poor dear. We should go see if he’s alright.

GRANDPA
I’ve got the first aid kit!

(EXIT GRANDPA CLYDE, AUNT WANDA, and UNCLE RAY)

CORINNE
Dennis, Bean, let’s go unload the van.

BEAN
Okey dokey!

DENNIS
Oh, Mom! Do I have to?

BEAN
Come on, Dennis! Let’s go! (pulling DENNIS’ arm)

(EXIT CORINNE, BEAN and DENNIS)

QUINTUS
He was wearing a polo shirt.

KARMA
That’s karma!
QUINTUS
Have I ever told you, thine eyes shine like the moonlight?

KARMA
Is that Shakespeare again?

QUINTUS
No, it’s simply the truth.

KARMA
Ooo-kay. I’m gonna go unpack.

QUINTUS
Allow me to assist you.

KARMA
Yeah… no. Go brush up on your Romeo and Juliet.

QUINTUS
Farewell, farewell! One kiss and I’ll descend, sweet Capulet!

(EXIT QUINTUS)

KARMA
I don’t think so. Was he always…

DATA
Adopted? Yes.

KARMA
Ah. Can you watch Great Aunt Millie while I unpack?

GREAT AUNT MILLIE
Great Aunt Mildred, you finterbottom!

DATA
Don’t worry, I got it covered. Right, Millie?

GREAT AUNT MILLIE
Mildred!

(DATA exchanges glance with KARMA)
(EXIT KARMA)

DATA
(takes out laptop, starts typing)
Day One, Hour One and a Half of the worst week of my life.
Dear Diary. Met Leslie’s thing today. His name is Loser. Not kidding.
Loser. Grandpa distributed dangerous weapons. Karma is
superstitious. Very superstitious. It freaks me out. Dennis is a
menace. Haha. Good joke. Mom would think so. No. Kill me now.

(END SCENE ONE. BLACKOUT)